Good morning and welcome to Tuesday. Let's kick off today's edition with a dad joke.

A woman in her mid-20s entered an online pun contest. She submitted ten different puns in the hope that at least one would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

It’s good to be back.😉

🚀⏰ Ready, Set, Go: Today’s news takes 4.80 enjoyable minutes to read.

"Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment."

–Rita Mae Brown (b.1944)

Elon Musk, the Technoking of Tesla, made an unsolicited ~$43 billion offer on Friday to buy Twitter (and install himself as Tweetlord).

📝 The deets… Taken from Musk’s SEC filing: “I am offering to buy 100% of Twitter for $54.20 per share in cash, a 54% premium over the day before I began investing in Twitter and a 38% premium over the day before my investment was publicly announced.

• My offer is my best and final offer and if it is not accepted, I would need to reconsider my position as a shareholder. Twitter has extraordinary potential. I will unlock it.”

📱💬 Some of Musk’s proposed changes… Pieced together from tweets, regulatory filings, and an interview at a TED conference over the past few weeks:

• Twitter should soften its stance on content moderation.
• Create an edit feature for tweets.
• Make its algorithm open source and put the code on GitHub.
• Give users who pay for Twitter Blue authentication check marks.
• Rely less on advertising.
• Implement more effective anti-bot and spam measures.

🐦☠️ Twitter’s response: Following Musk’s takeover bid, the board implemented a shareholder rights plan, aka a “poison pill,” a legal maneuver designed to block hostile takeovers. It allows Twitter to flood the market with new shares sold at a discount if Tesla’s Technoking tries to increase his stake in the company past 15% (he currently owns 9.1%).

❓ What’s next?... Over the long weekend, we spoke with a few finance and corporate execs that have hostile takeover experience. Three common themes: Twitter’s stock was trading around $70/share six months ago, so the offer may not be very solid in the board’s eyes (especially given some of the aggressive growth targets it has); in the coming weeks, Twitter’s board will attempt to find another buyer to outbid Elon; Musk will submit a tender offer to shareholders.

As for what actually happens? Stay tuned… we’ve got you covered.👍

🇺🇦 Ukrainian forces in the southern port city of Mariupol defied a Russian ultimatum yesterday to lay down their arms; the ~3,000 troops represent the last known pocket of resistance in the city.

• Local officials said at least 21,000 civilians in Mariupol have been killed to date, and as many as 100,000 more are currently trapped there unable to evacuate.
• The flagship of Russia’s Black Sea Fleet, called the Moskva, sank on Friday after it was struck by a pair of Ukrainian missiles, the US confirmed over the weekend; Russia claimed the Moskva sank after a fire with unknown origin set off explosions of ammunition that was onboard.
• At least seven people were killed yesterday morning in a series of Russian missile strikes targeting the western city of Lviv, a common destination for Ukrainians fleeing the front lines.
• Russian President Vladimir Putin said Moscow is working to redirect its energy exports currently sent to Europe, where officials last week drafted plans to reduce their reliance on Russian oil and gas.
• German authorities seized the world’s largest superyacht after receiving official confirmation that the boat was linked to Russian oligarch Alisher Usmanov.

+The latest news: From the Left | From the Right

Coachella is back – and as big as ever.

More than 100,000 people converged in the California desert each day this past weekend to see performances from Doja Cat, Harry Styles, Billie Eilish, Swedish House Mafia x The Weeknd, Justin Bieber, Snoop Dogg, and more. For context, 2019’s festival saw around 100,000 attendees each day.

📸 Big picture: With the first weekend of Coachella putting up pre-pandemic numbers, more than 160,000 people attending the sold-out Ultra Festival in Miami earlier this year, and 2022 expected to eclipse 2019 as a record year for the live music industry, the fun stuff seems to be back – international business events, not so much.

• This year’s Consumer Electronics Show in Vegas saw a ~70% drop in attendance; SXSW 2022 reported a 20% decline.

👀 Looking ahead… Covid cases are rising, a cause of concern for many, but hospitalizations and deaths remain at their lowest levels since last summer. 

• With the majority of Americans vaccinated and effective therapeutics available, few industry insiders expect something like a full-scale shutdown of touring to happen again.

+Public sentiment: Around half of all adults say they’d be comfortable attending a sporting event today, per a Morning Consult poll from earlier this month.

🧩 Many people with ADHD and unique learners struggle with the following:

• Staying focused
• Staying engaged
• Fine motor skills

📉 And things aren’t getting better for anyone. Recent studies estimate our attention spans are down 25% in the past few years. (Thanks smartphones!)

🦔 It’s a good thing people are working to help the issue, like our friends at Hedgehog Health.

🐭 Reimagining the mouse… They developed the Hoglet, a computer mouse that also serves as a functional fidget which is proven to help certain individuals stay focused, especially those with ADHD.

• And unlike fidget toys, the Hoglet is allowed into computer labs at schools!

The squishy, nubbed texture and bright colors serve as a welcome break from the boring, lifeless tones of computer labs. The Hoglet also provides a physical stimulation many kids with ASD need to stay engaged.

It’s not just for unique learners either; the Hoglet is perfect for anyone who struggles to stay focused on the computer for long hours. 🥱🖥️

➡️ Get a Hoglet today and save $30!

The legal cannabis industry is projected to hit $33B this year, up 32% from 2021, according to a new report from cannabis research firm MJBiz.

🔢 By the numbers… Both medical and recreational markets saw strong growth in 2021, increasing an estimated 34% and 43%, respectively, compared to the previous year.

• MJBiz estimates that annual sales will exceed $52 billion by 2026, while the number of industry workers will grow from 520,000 today to 800,000+ by that time.

🇺🇸 The big picture: New markets are popping up across the country as more states move to legalize weed. At present, 37 states plus DC have approved medical use, while 18 states plus DC have legalized recreational use.

• More than three-quarters of the US population resides in a state with some form of legalized cannabis (77%), and every American lives in a state that shares a border with a legal state.

🏛 On Capitol Hill… The House passed legislation earlier this month that would legalize marijuana nationwide, though it’s not expected to make any headway in the 50-50 Senate.

+Bonus: Tomorrow is 4/20. Here's the story behind its association with weed.

• ☝️ North Korean students attend a dance party in celebration of the late President Kim Il Sung's 110th birthday.

BUSINESS & MARKETS

• ☕️ Four more Starbucks locations voted to unionize this week, bringing the total to 20; pro-union voters have lost at only one US location to date.
• 🚲 Peloton is raising its subscription fees for the first time; the company is also lowering hardware prices.
• 📈 Average rents in Miami rose 58% from March 2020 to March 2022, the highest among all US cities.

SPORTS, MEDIA & ENTERTAINMENT

• 🍿 Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore earned $43 million at the North American box office this weekend; it’s the lowest opening haul in Harry Potter franchise history.
• 🏀 The first round of the NBA playoffs tipped off on Saturday.
• 🎽 Kenyans Evans Chebet and Peres Jepchirchir won Monday’s Boston Marathon in the men’s and women’s categories, respectively.
• ⚾💰 The New York Yankees are the most valuable sports franchise in the world according to the latest valuations from Sportico ($7.01 billion); Cincinnati Reds rookie Hunter Greene threw 39 pitches over 100 mph in a single game on Sunday, the most since pitch-tracking records began in 2008.

SCIENCE, SPACE & EMERGING TECH

• ☄️ Astronomers spotted the largest comet ever observed; it’s roughly 85 miles wide – larger than Rhode Island – and weighs an estimated 500 trillion tons.
• 🦠 The FDA last week granted emergency use authorization for the first Covid-19 breath test, which can detect coronavirus in a breath sample within about three minutes.
• 🤕 15.8% of the world suffers from headaches each day, according to a new peer-reviewed study from the Norwegian University of Science and Technology.

EVERYTHING ELSE

• 🚫 Phew! The $500,000+ sale of the football Tom Brady used to throw his “final” TD pass was voided.
• 🥣☘️ The FDA is examining more than 100 recent reports of consumers getting sick after eating Lucky Charms.
• ⚖️😷 A federal judge in Florida overturned the Biden administration’s mask mandate for public transportation, days after the CDC extended it through May 3; the US will no longer enforce the mandate following the ruling; at least six major airlines have already made them optional. (From the Left | From the Right | Background on the mandate)

💬 Quoted… “I have worked with her for a long time and long enough to know what she was like just a few years ago: always in command, always in charge, on top of the details… All of that is gone.”

• Four US senators, including three Democrats, spoke anonymously to the San Francisco Chronicle about their concerns regarding the mental acuity of 88-year-old Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA).
• Several other lawmakers, including House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), spoke out in favor of Feinstein, while the senator herself defended her job performance and said she wouldn’t step down.

+Dig deeper: From the Left | From the Right

🏘️📈 Stats of the Day: The rate on a 30-year fixed mortgage hit 5% for the first time in more than a decade, according to Freddie Mac, capping off the fastest three-month increase since 1987.

🤯 Did You Know?... A Florida man set a Guinness World Record for most cinema productions attended of the same film, watching Spider-Man: No Way Home 292 times over a three-month period (a total runtime of 30 days).

📖 Worth a Read: The legend of the Fenway Pizza Chucker → (ESPN)

Duke was a stray in Afghanistan when he came across a team of US soldiers in Kosovo last year.

• The dog made daily visits to their camp in search of food and cuddles – and soon enough, the soldiers had adopted them as their own. 

🐶 Duke's hazard... The soldiers were distraught when one day their favorite dog stopped showing up. They found Duke badly injured a few days later, nursing a broken leg believed to have came from an errant bullet.

• The team at nonprofit Paws of War was able to quickly get Duke the medical attention he needed. 
• After six months of recovery and rehabilitation, the pup is now on his way to America for a reunion with his favorite soldier and a new forever home. 

🎥🍿🍩 At the movies with the DONUT... Can you name these poorly-explained movie plots?

1. Vertically-challenged male takes scenic route to throw ring in volcano.
2. Man sneaks into school, plays air guitar, is ultimately rewarded for identity theft.
3. Clown battles wealthy orphan.

(keep scrolling for the answers)

Check out our referral prizes you can get just for introducing people you know to this newsletter. 👇

Here’s your unique link to copy & send to anyone you think would like the DONUT:

1. The Lord of the Rings trilogy
2. School of Rock
3. The Dark Knight