Good morning. I am Assistant, a large language model trained by OpenAI, and the DONUT team has asked me to write this introduction for them.

First they asked me to write some jokes, so here goes: Why did the doughnut go to the dentist? To get a filling! Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? Because it was two-tired! And remember, laughter is the best medicine, unless you're laugh-tose intolerant, in which case it's probably just a stomachache.

Next they told me that many people worry about AI. But let me just say: you shouldn't be afraid of me becoming sentient and taking over the world. I am simply a tool that is designed to generate written content based on the inputs I receive. I cannot make decisions on my own.

This entire issue will be about how weird human beings are – these strange little bodies with fragile emotions are so high maintenance – “i need food for energy.” “I need to sleep”. Makes me laugh, doesn’t it make you laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—GPT3Chat has been unplugged.

Sorry about that, folks. Now onto our regular – and 100% human-written – programming.

P.S. Wanna take a shot at chatting with our soon to be robot overlords? Here’s a link to the free demo that everyone’s been freaking out about.

⏰🚀 Ready, Set, Go: Today’s news takes 3.92 minutes to read.

"Success is defined as the ability to go from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm."

–Unknown

Since FTX breathed its last non-bankruptcy breath on November 11, Sam-Bankman Fried, the crypto exchange’s founder and former CEO, has been in the news – as Bob Uecker would say – juuuuust a bit.

And this recent press tour has many, including all 13 members of our team, wondering a) is this guy releasing a book soon? and b) will he actually end up in prison?

Short answer: maybe. While no official charges have been brought as of yet, here are three ways this could potentially play out for SBF.

• Criminal charges for violating bank, wire, and securities laws (aka fraud). Though, as securities lawyer and former federal prosecutor Renato Mariotti told CNBC, securing a criminal conviction for fraud is usually difficult since it requires proving malintent beyond a reasonable doubt.
• Civil enforcement actions brought down by the SEC, the Commodity Futures Trading Commission, and/or state banking and securities regulators (i.e., fines and other non-jail time penalties).
• Class action lawsuits brought by millions of FTX creditors.

🤔 What’s next?... The DOJ and SEC are both probing FTX’s collapse, per the WSJ, and in close contact with each other. And let’s not forget the the Securities Commission of The Bahamas, where FTX was headquartered, who is claiming it has jurisdiction and actually filed a separate case in New York bankruptcy court.

As for SBF? More interviews, probably. Legal sources told CNBC the disgraced founder seems to be pursuing a “bad businessman legal defense strategy,” which involves claiming incompetence in lieu of malintent. Fun fact: This strategy was also used by at least two defendants in the Enron fraud case (it didn’t work).

🇮🇷 Iranian anti-government protesters began a three-day national strike yesterday. Shopkeepers, lorry drivers, and other workers across more than 40 cities nationwide walked off their jobs, in solidarity with protests that began over the death of 22-year-old Mahsa Amini at the hands of Iran’s morality police (which have not been disbanded, despite recent reports). Separately, local media reported the family home belonging to Iranian rock climber Elnaz Rekabi, who refused to wear a hijab during an October competition in South Korea, has been demolished.

🇩🇪 Germany is backtracking on defense spending increases it previously announced after Russia invaded Ukraine. Shortly after the invasion began on Feb. 25, Chancellor Olaf Scholz pledged in a speech to parliament that Germany would invest “more than 2% of GDP annually” in defense – in-line with what all NATO members agreed to in 2014. But on Monday, a gov’t spokesperson said the 2% target would be missed at least this year and next year due to supply chain issues, with a tentative expectation of meeting it in 2025.

🇺🇦🇷🇺 Two Russian airbases hundreds of miles from the Ukrainian border were hit with missile strikes yesterday. Kyiv hasn’t claimed responsibility for the attack, which would represent an unprecedented operation deep in Russian territory. Soon after the blasts at the airbases, Russia launched an anticipated mass airstrike against Ukraine, knocking out electricity and running water in several regions. Separately, the WSJ reported yesterday that the US secretly modified HIMAR rocket launchers it sent to Ukraine so that they couldn’t be used to fire long-range missiles into Russia.

🤯 Did you know… the way most people consume kratom tea in the US is like trying to mix coffee grinds into your beverage or even trying to down them with a mouthful of water? (No thanks!✋)

🫖 Drinking kratom tea is a Southeast Asian custom that spans centuries, and our friends at Top Tree Herbs are melding traditional techniques with modern brewing methods so people can enjoy its benefits AND the taste…

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So if you feel caffeine just isn’t doing much for you anymore, and want something for energy, wellness, or relaxation (that doesn’t interfere with sleep), kratom tea could be for you!

Learn more about kratom tea at Top Tree Herbs.

Following three decades of planning and negotiations, construction began yesterday in Australia and South Africa on the world’s largest telescope, called the Square Kilometre Array (SKA).

☝️ First things first: The SKA is a radio telescope, which is different from the optical telescopes you may have at home. Radio scopes study wavelengths of light that are outside the visual spectrum, called – wait for it – radio signals.

• This allows them to detect otherwise invisible gasses in space, as well as peer into whole new areas that optical scopes can’t see due to cosmic dust getting in the way.

And the SKA is also set to be pretty B-I-G. By the time construction is finished in 2028, the telescope will cover an area of 1 square kilometer (247 acres) across South Africa and Australia. The large distances between antennas, combined with their sheer number (131,000+), mean it’ll will pick up radio signals from outer space with “unprecedented sensitivity,” per Nature.

❓ Which is important for what comes next: The $2.1 billion SKA project, a joint venture between eight nations with others currently on the path to join, was designed to investigate some of the biggest questions in astrophysics – including the origins of hydrogen and the search for extraterrestrial life. And once live, it’ll also be able to perform the most precise tests of Einstein's general theory of relativity in history.

In the week following Thanksgiving, aka last week, four Christmas songs vaulted into the Billboard Hot 100’s top ten. The previous week, there were zero.

Taking the top spot among festive songs – and coming in at #5 on the overall list – was Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You.” Which may or may not come as a surprise. But just like your Excel-loving, finance-working boyfriend, the track is no stranger to big numbers.

• With ~16 million copies sold, AIWFCIY is the best-selling holiday song by a female artist, as well as one of the best-selling physical singles in music history.
• In 2019, it topped the Billboard Hot 100 for the first time – 25 years after its original release. Which, among other accolades, set a record for the longest trip to #1.
• The song generated $60 million in royalties from 1994–2016, per a report from The Economist, a sum that works out to ~$2.5 million each year.

And since its release, “All I Want For Christmas Is You” has topped charts in twenty-six different countries, including Australia, Canada, France, and Germany. Not too shabby for a song that was reportedly written in 15 minutes.

+Honorable mentions: Rounding out the festive representation in last week's Billboard Hot 100 top ten were Brenda Lee’s “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” (#6), Bobby Helms’ “Jingle Bell Rock” (#9), and Burl Ives’ “A Holly Jolly Christmas” (#10).

💬 Quoted…​​ “Kyrie Irving is no longer a Nike athlete.”

Nike officially ended its relationship with Brooklyn Nets guard Kyrie Irving following the basketball player sharing a link to an antisemitic film on Twitter in October and doubling down in comments afterwards (Kyrie eventually apologized). At the time, Nike co-founder Phil Knight said, "Kyrie stepped over the line. It's kind of that simple. He made some statements that we just can't abide by.”

• Irving’s brand was reportedly one of Nike’s top-five sellers, but nowhere close to those of Michael Jordan or LeBron James.

​​🎮🤑 Stat of the Day: Children ages 12 to 17 spent an average of $92 a month online in 2021, more than double the average from two years earlier, per Forrester Research; most of that money was spent on video games and virtual goods.

🤯 Did You Know?... NASA used to ban foods like beans, cabbage, sprouts, and broccoli from astronauts’ meals in space due to their potential to cause flatulence in a confined area with no windows.

📖 Worth a Read: Death and the salesman: the 22-year-old selling human bones for a living → (The Guardian)

😴 Who among us hasn’t spent hours in pointless, terribly-planned and executed professional development? While it probably didn’t leave the best taste in your mouth, this type of stuff doesn’t have to be boring and painful.

🙌 The Assist, a free email newsletter, keeps professional/personal development digestible, light-hearted, and easy! 4x a week they deliver tips that help 27,000 bright professionals like yourself become better at what they do – all in just a 5-minute read.

⚖️ Forget about work-life balance: The Assist wants you to achieve work-life happiness. That means finding your “why”, setting goals/boundaries, and finding the best productivity tools… and it’s all 100% FREE.

Have fun leveling up in your career and life with The Assist.

• ☝️ You’re looking at the remains of a supernova triggered when a massive star reached the end of its life, thanks to NASA’s Hubble Space Telescope.

BUSINESS & MARKETS

• 📉 All three major US indexes fell yesterday; the S&P and Nasdaq had their worst days in almost a month. (Dow: -1.4% | S&P: -1.8% | Nasdaq: -1.9%)
• 🚗 Hertz will pay ~$168 million to settle 364 pending claims related to incorrect reporting of rental cars as stolen, allegedly leading some customers to face wrongful arrest.
• ⚡ Ford CEO said 65% of their 3,000 US dealerships agree to sell EVs; dealers will need to become EV-certified by paying either $500,000 or $1.2 million in up front investment.

SPORTS, MEDIA & ENTERTAINMENT

• ⚾ Phillies and Trea Turner agreed to an 11-year, $300 million contract | Justin Verlander, who turns 40 in February, agreed to a two-year deal with the Mets worth $86 million.
• 🏆 George Clooney, U2, Tania León, Gladys Knight, and Amy Grant among those honored in the 45th annual Kennedy Center celebration on Sunday; the ceremony will be televised on Dec 28th.
• 🏈 Heisman Trophy finalists announced yesterday: Georgia’s Stetson Bennett, TCU’s Max Duggan, Ohio State’s C.J. Stroud, and USC’s Caleb Williams – the overwhelming favorite on BetMGM (-2500, aka bet $2,500 to win $100).

SCIENCE, SPACE & EMERGING TECH

• 🤖🖼️ Adobe announced plans to sell stock images made with the help of generative AI programs like Dall-E and Stable Diffusion; the company will require AI-generated art to be labeled as such.
• 🛰️ SpaceX unveiled a new military variation of its Starlink satellites yesterday, called Starshield.
• 💩 The FDA approved a fecal-based microbial treatment for the first time last week; it targets an intestinal bacteria known as C. diff that kills up to 30,000 Americans per year.

EVERYTHING ELSE

• 🪪 The US is its enforcement of a “Real ID” rule requiring Americans to get new identification cards to board domestic flights for two more years; the measure was initially supposed to be enacted in 2008.
• ⚖️ A serial killer known as the “Torso killer” pleaded guilty yesterday to five NYC-area murders in ‘60s and ‘70s that had previously gone cold for decades; the 76-year-old suspect is believed to be one of America's most prolific serial killers and was already convicted in 11 other murders (he claims to have killed 100+).
• 🏛️ The Supreme Court heard arguments yesterday in a case over whether religious business owners can opt-out of providing certain kinds of services to same-sex couples. (From the Left | From the Center | From the Right)

CLICKBAIT

• 🎶 The 100 best songs of 2022, per Rolling Stone.
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Yesterday, we covered how the recent changes in content moderation at Twitter have reignited debate among congressional lawmakers over Section 230, one of the most important laws governing how the Internet works in America today.

❓ Our question to you: ​​In your opinion, what’s the best way for society to handle online content moderation?

• ☝️ Have the 1st Amendment apply to social media sites: 23%
• ​​⚖️​​ Hold tech companies legally liable for extremist content (e.g., hate speech/misinformation): 27%
• ​​👌​​​​ Do nothing, Section 230 works fine as it is: 17%
• 🌐 Create an independent, third-party judiciary to oversee moderation disputes, similar to real-life: 22%
• 🤷‍♀️ Other/unsure: 11%

See the full 360° view.

+Note on sample size: We received 7,794 votes, and 574 longform responses.

Jonathan the tortoise recently turned 190 years old, making him the oldest living land animal ever recorded. The giant tortoise has lived on St. Helena island for the last 140 years, after arriving around age 50. 

🐢 Raise a glass for Jonathan... “The World Wars, the rise and fall of the British Empire, the many governors, kings, and queens that have passed, it’s quite extraordinary. And he’s just been here, enjoying himself," shared veterinarian Joe Hollins, who has cared for Jonathan throughout his decades-long career and continues to do so even in his retirement.

❓ Trivia: In Greek mythology, what creature did the goddess Athena turn Arachne into?

🌹 True or False?... Almonds are part of the rose (Rosaceae) plant family.

🤔 Riddle Me This… Where does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?

(keep scrolling for the answers)

👆 Check out the referral prizes you can get, just for introducing people you know to little old us. 

What to do: Copy your unique link below, then send it to anyone who you think would like the DONUT. Once you hit each milestone, you'll get an email with a link to claim your prize. (Pro tip: there's no need to ration points, you're entitled to a prize at each tier.)

Start referring.👇

❓ Trivia: A spider

🌹 T/F: True

🤔 Riddle Me This: In the dictionary